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The Developing Nerd

Sexual Illiteracy: A Case Study of Developmental Trauma (Key Insights)

The narrative presented in The Developing Nerd offers a harrowing exploration of the lifelong consequences of sexual illiteracy, social alienation, and the psychological toll of virginity shame in a hypersexualized society. Through the author's autobiographical account, key insights emerge about the intersection of repressed sexual development, familial neglect, institutional failure in education, and the existential crisis of unfulfilled intimacy needs. The account underscores how societal taboos around sexuality create cycles of shame, while inadequate socialization frameworks in elite academic environments like MIT exacerbate preexisting vulnerabilities. Central to this analysis is the recognition that sexual knowledge and intimacy are foundational to human flourishing, and their absence constitutes a form of systemic abuse with cascading effects on mental health and self-actualization.

What is a Nerd?

Intelligent But Socially Handicapped: The Psychology of the Virgin Nerd

The whole idea of being an adult virgin is deeply shameful and embarrassing, and people tend to avoid dealing with what is shameful and embarrassing. The big lie a nerd tells him, or herself is that they will make a satisfying life based purely on their intellectual pursuits. For some minority of nerds, this may be possible, but I think for many others, the "life of the mind" becomes excruciatingly lonely after a while. They are good for mutually reinforcing the idea of how great it is to work in the chosen field, but they aren’t good for intimacy. Too bad because intimacy is, for most people, what gives meaning to life.

Being a virgin is so damn shameful and embarrassing
Being a virgin adult is incredibly distressing and embarrassing. It’s hard to see teenagers, who are much younger, having sexual experiences so easily while something so basic and normal is missing from my life. In today’s world, social media and society constantly emphasize sex and relationships as key measures of personal success. This relentless focus can make those of us who aren’t sexually active feel like failures and losers.

Sex is a common and easily accessible experience for most, yet if you're still a virgin past high school, it is a mark of shame. It seems to highlight inadequacy and failure as if you’re missing out on something that’s supposed to be as simple as making a sandwich. This feeling of inadequacy can lead to a deep sense of misery and self-blame. Sometimes, it feels so overwhelming that it’s hard to imagine ever forgiving yourself or moving past it. Misery and depression.

Involuntary celibacy (inceldom) represents a complex psychosocial phenomenon with profound implications for individual well-being and societal dynamics. Emerging research reveals that incels—predominantly young men experiencing chronic romantic and sexual exclusion—exhibit 23% higher rates of depression compared to sexually active peers.

I understood I was a "loser" and less than a human.

My friends were all male geeks like myself. I had girl acquaintances but no girlfriends. I had no understanding of how to talk with or interact with girls. Mom thought that Miss Pocock's Dancing Class was what I needed. I did not have the social skills to get anything out of it. I hated and resented every tedious session. It was not until senior year that I had a date for movies and a prom. My date had no interests in common. She was just as lost as I was. I was a "loser" in any social situation.

I was unsuited in every way for MIT. I was not smart enough, rich enough, worldly enough, and much too immature. The kids who thrive at MIT are brilliant and accomplished with high IQs or are wealthy enough to be well-traveled and have tutors. It was awful to know that I was genuinely inferior and barely making it. I had no idea what I was about and where my life was going. The college summer vacations were agony. I did not make enough money at the kiddy park and driving range to pay for much flying or save for a car. I had no girlfriend or companionship.

Making Love

The chart shows the daytime activities of thousands of people sampled millions of times. Each blob represents the number of samples of that activity, and the position is the average happiness the persons indicated for that activity. Note that the virgin nerd never gets happier than exercise. A horrible way to live. Why Sex Matters S.

I grew up without any positive information about sex. From birth, socialization plays a crucial role in shaping and nurturing our understanding of sexuality. Without knowledge of sex, a child cannot develop the intimate relationships that lead to happiness. Admitting incompetence in such an important area of life is painful. It feels like failing to engage with life fully and never truly participating in society.

Love - Belonging - Friendship - Family - Sexual Intimacy are essential for a thriving human life

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Ours was a typical Midwestern family. My parents seemed like other parents. We went to church, spent time with relatives and friends, did scouts, etc. However, there was no show of affection between Mom and Dad. If being a couple was fun, they never showed it. Dad was an alcoholic, so there was a lot of bickering, argument, and tension at home.

Mom led a sheltered life focused on social activities and appearances. Dad was always absorbed in work. Neither paid much attention to what my sister and I needed in socialization and development. Sex was a dirty word never discussed in our home, church, or school.

All little boys know they have a penis. They all know that rubbing their penis feels good, and it sometimes gets stiff. We handle our penis every day, going pee. Mom made it clear that what I had was not nice. My parents never taught us the proper names for our parts. We had a "pee-pee" to go "wee-wee." We had a "bottom" to sit on or have a "BM." Any other words were dirty and uncouth and not allowed.

I asked Mom what the two little balls were under my pee-pee. I just wanted a name ("balls," "nuts," "testicles," or "scrotum" would have been OK). She had a fit. She answered, "That's what makes you a man," and was highly agitated. There were no further questions about anatomy in our household. We had very few books in our home, no encyclopedia, and no emphasis on reading or curiosity. This was before TV and the internet. So, the only source of information was the other kids we played with. Their words were not illuminating, and dirty words were not allowed in our house.

You may be doing the same thing to your kids now. If so, shame on you!
Stop watching this site if you are offended by seeing or showing nudity and sex.
But please consider where you got your values.

The discussion covered in Talking to toddlers and preschoolers about sex.

In 3rd grade, I learned from another 3rd grader that a man put his pee-pee into a woman. Every kid needs to understand this about their conception and birth, as well as what their parents do. These are the facts of life. My parents should have informed me and broadened my knowledge to encompass the entire process, including the mechanics, anatomy, emotions, and future implications. I learned that sex was something a man did to a woman, not with her. There was no consideration that a woman might enjoy sex. Church, scouts, school, and family offered no help. Any discussion about sex was out of the. Sexuality was a taboo subject.

Where church (and society) completely failed me,

High School was no help at all. The schools and Evanston public library had only heavily sanitized encyclopedias and no sex-ed material. HS Biology covered plant, worm, and frog anatomy with nothing on reproduction. Our high school biology teacher turned away a student’s direct question about how babies are made, “In the usual way.” I had not seen girls naked since playing in the Rock River when I was young. I had no experience even talking to girls. I was a total social failure – dweeb. Most kids entered High School fully knowledgeable about sex; I was ignorant of even the basics. My good friends in High School were all male geeks like me. I had girl acquaintances but no girlfriends. I didn’t know how to talk with or interact with girls. Highly social, Mom thought that Miss Pocock's Dancing Class was what I needed. I did not have the social skills to get anything out of it. I hated and resented every tedious session. It was not until senior year that I had a date for movies and a prom. We had no interests in common. She was just as lost as I was.

If you don't have the Sexual Intimacy part, you can kiss off Love, Belonging, Esteem, and Self-Actualization.
If you don't have the Physiological Sex part, you're not going to get Sexual Intimacy.
You're going to be a non-person

MIT was a disaster for me - a nerd continually in a deep depression with no purpose, joy, or hopes for a future.

Nerd Identity as a Gatekeeper in Science. And Technology Participation
Turkle (1984) vividly describes nerd self-identity in her ethnographic study of undergraduate men at MIT. In a social event, "they flaunt their pimples, their pasty complexions, their knobby knees, their thin, underdeveloped bodies.” In interviews, they describe themselves as losers. And loners who have given up bodily pleasure and sexual relations.

Student mental health is in crisis (As it was, too, in 1958)
(Editorial in the MIT The Tech 10/10/2019)
"There is a growing mental health crisis among graduate students, both at MIT and around the country. Thirty-nine percent of graduate students suffer from depression, and 41 percent suffer from anxiety. The cloud of mental health issues hangs heavy over the entire MIT community. Far too often, we hear of a community member who has tragically died by suicide. Each suicide reminds us that depression and isolation are not unusual at MIT and have become a pervasive norm."

Mom and Dad stifled my future and contributed to my agony by being prissy prudes. Kids need to learn about sex and relationships to avoid the misery I endured. My parents should have encouraged me to become a fulfilled human being with knowledge, privacy, and freedom to develop sexually and socially. I needed the words used by other kids to fit into society and ask informative questions.

I needed to know about "the Birds and Bees" well before 3rd grade (age 8).

It was cruel and senseless that I was old enough to have a paper route and handle money in 3rd grade but not considered mature enough to know about sex. Withholding knowledge, teaching, and nurturing of a child's sexuality is child abuse. Human being abuse. It is a cruel crime against the child and society—the development of a Nerd.

Before entering junior high school (age 11), I needed to understand how human beings mate. I also needed to know what girls were about. The girls I interacted with in High School were a complete mystery. I did not know how to talk to them. Learning about love by third grade would be right. Not knowing by Junior High School was devastating.

I should not have been sent to MIT as a socially immature kid and unprepared for life. Immature kids do not belong in college.
Unless your son is already sleeping with his girlfriend, please do not send him to MIT.

When I was not thriving and unhappy in college, my parents and grandparents should have pulled the plug and encouraged me to go elsewhere. If a kid has not developed a relationship by college, something is very wrong and needs intervention. After a depressing first year, I should not have been left just working at the kiddy park. I was barely functioning in deep depression. I should have taken over my life sooner and joined organizations and activities that promote maturing. There were plenty of opportunities. I could have continued in scouts. I could have joined youth activities with my church and schools. MIT had social clubs (most notably the Outing Club). I should have taken an apartment where other young people lived rather than renting a house. Being too busy with school and work was an inadequate excuse. Being in deep depression closed my eyes to the needed self-awareness. Depression is a slower way of being dead - lonely - and miserable.

My few girlfriends never grew into anything meaningful—no intimacy, not even mutual interest. Meanwhile, my friends and coworkers built relationships, married, and started families, leaving me behind in a world of isolation. The loneliness was crushing.

I was utterly miserable. I wouldn’t wish this kind of life on anyone—it’s a cruelty beyond words. The single most overwhelming pain? The soul-destroying loneliness.

It took another 13 years of misery to snap out of it. Enjoying life, love, sex, kids, grandkids, and life's satisfaction.

MIT - My Grief
One of my cousins, the son of my mother's brother, hung himself in the dorm at MIT. He was 20 years younger than me but raised in the same family and manner as I was. I only knew him as a cute little boy who liked to sail. I had the opportunity to confide my reservations about MIT when my uncle visited me senior year. Instead, I made light of my troubles and presented an optimistic, cheerful facade. Years later, when I learned his son was going to MIT, I told Betsy the kid would have trouble. When I learned from another relative that my cousin had a bad 1st year and was still going back, I knew he had the same horrible experience. But I did nothing to stop the tragedy. My grief is knowing I could have helped but did not. His life was snubbed out before it really started.

3/22/2025 12:23 PM

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