The Developing Nerd
Sexual Illiteracy: A Case Study of Developmental Trauma (Key Insights)
Growing up, I
never had sex education, and nobody around me ever talked honestly about
relationships or intimacy. I felt like I was supposed to figure it all out on
my own, but I didn’t even know where to start. Being a virgin in a world
obsessed with sex made me feel broken and ashamed; I was missing an essential
part of being human. I didn’t fit in socially, and places like school and
college, especially MIT, just made that worse. They expected us to be brilliant, but never cared if we knew how to connect with
people or take care of ourselves emotionally. Looking back, I realize how much
damage that silence and neglect caused. Not learning about sex and
relationships isn’t just awkward—it can mess with your mind and
leave you feeling empty and depressed.
Having Sex and Love Are Part of Being Human
Intelligent But
Socially Handicapped: The Psychology of the Virgin Nerd
The whole idea of being an adult virgin is deeply
shameful and embarrassing, and people tend to avoid dealing with what is
shameful and embarrassing. The big lie a nerd tells him, or herself
is that they will make a satisfying life based purely on their intellectual
pursuits. For some minority of nerds, this may be possible, but I think for
many others, the "life of the mind" becomes excruciatingly lonely
after a while. They are good for mutually reinforcing the idea of how great it
is to work in the chosen field, but they aren’t good for intimacy. Too
bad because intimacy is, for most people, what gives meaning to life.
I understood I was a
"loser" and less than a human.
My friends were all male geeks like myself. I had
girl acquaintances but no girlfriends. I had no understanding of how to talk
with or interact with girls. Mom thought that Miss
Pocock's Dancing Class was what I needed. I did not have the social skills to
get anything out of it. I hated and resented every tedious session. It was not
until senior year that I had a date for movies and a prom. My date had no
interests in common. She was just as lost as I was. I was a "loser"
in any social situation.
I was unsuited in every way for MIT. I was not smart
enough, rich enough, worldly enough, and much too immature. The kids who thrive
at MIT are brilliant and accomplished with high IQs or are wealthy enough
to be well-traveled and have tutors. It was awful to know that I was genuinely
inferior and barely making it. I had no idea what I was about and where my life
was going. The college summer vacations were agony. I did not make enough money
at the kiddy park and driving range to pay for much flying or save for a car. I
had no girlfriend or companionship.
Being a virgin is so
damn shameful and embarrassing
Being a virgin adult is incredibly distressing and embarrassing. It’s
hard to see teenagers, who are much younger, having sexual experiences so
easily while something so basic and normal is missing from my life. In
today’s world, social media and society constantly emphasize sex and
relationships as key measures of personal success. This relentless focus can
make those of us who aren’t sexually active feel like failures and
losers.
Sex is a common and easily accessible experience for
most, yet if you're still a virgin past high school, it is a mark of shame. It
seems to highlight inadequacy and failure as if you’re missing out on
something that’s supposed to be as simple as making a sandwich. This
feeling of inadequacy can lead to a deep sense of misery and self-blame.
Sometimes, it feels so overwhelming that it’s hard to imagine ever
forgiving yourself or moving past it. Misery and depression.
Making Love
The chart shows the
daytime activities of thousands of people sampled millions of times. Each blob
represents the number of samples of that activity, and the position is the
average happiness the persons indicated for that activity. Note that the virgin
nerd never gets happier than exercise. A horrible way to live. Why Sex Matters S.
I grew up
without any positive information about sex. From birth, socialization plays a crucial role in shaping and nurturing our
understanding of sexuality. Without knowledge of sex, a child cannot develop
the intimate relationships that lead to happiness. Admitting incompetence in
such an important area of life is painful. It feels like failing to engage with
life fully and never truly participating in society.
Love -
Belonging - Friendship - Family - Sexual Intimacy are essential for a thriving
human life
Ours was a typical Midwestern family. My parents seemed
like other parents. We went to church, spent time with relatives and friends,
did scouts, etc. However, there was no show of affection between Mom and Dad.
If being a couple was fun, they never showed it. Dad was an alcoholic, so there
was a lot of bickering, arguing, and tension at home.
Mom led a sheltered life focused on social activities and
appearances. Dad was always absorbed in work. Neither paid
much attention to what my sister and I needed in
socialization and development. Sex was a dirty word never discussed in our
home, church, or school.
All little boys know they have a penis. They all know
that rubbing their penis feels good, and it sometimes gets stiff. We handle our
penis every day, going pee. Mom made it clear that what I had was not nice. My
parents never taught us the proper names for our parts. We had a
"pee-pee" to go "wee-wee." We had a "bottom" to
sit on or have a "BM." Any other words were dirty and uncouth and not
allowed.
I asked Mom what the two little balls were under my
pee-pee. I just wanted a name ("balls," "nuts,"
"testicles," or "scrotum" would have been OK). She had a
fit. She answered, "That's what makes you a man," and was highly
agitated. There were no further questions about anatomy in our household.
We had very few books in our home, no encyclopedia, and no emphasis on reading
or curiosity. This was before TV and the internet. So, the only source of
information was the other kids we played with. Their words were not
illuminating, and dirty words were not allowed in our house.
You may be doing the same thing to
your kids now. If so, shame on you!
Stop watching this site if you are offended by seeing or showing nudity
and sex.
But please consider where you got your values.
The discussion
covered in Talking
to toddlers and preschoolers about sex.
In 3rd grade, I learned from another 3rd grader that a
man put his pee-pee into a woman. Every kid needs to understand this about
their conception and birth, as well as what their parents do. These are the
facts of life. My parents should have informed me and broadened my knowledge to
encompass the entire process, including the mechanics,
anatomy, emotions, and future implications. I learned that sex was something a
man did to a woman, not with her. There was no consideration that a woman might
enjoy sex. Church, scouts, school, and family offered no help. Any discussion
about sex was out of the. Sexuality was a taboo subject.
Where church (and society) completely failed me,
High School was no help at all. The schools and Evanston
public library had only heavily sanitized encyclopedias and no sex-ed material.
HS Biology covered plant, worm,
and frog anatomy with nothing on reproduction. Our high school biology teacher
turned away a student’s direct question about how babies are made,
“In the usual way.” I had not seen girls naked since playing in the
Rock River when I was young. I had no experience even talking to girls. I was a
total social failure – dweeb. Most kids entered High School fully
knowledgeable about sex; I was ignorant of even the basics. My good friends in
High School were all male geeks like me. I had girl acquaintances but no
girlfriends. I didn’t know how to talk with or interact with girls.
Highly social, Mom thought that Miss Pocock's Dancing Class was what I needed.
I did not have the social skills to get anything out of it. I hated and
resented every tedious session. It was not until senior year that I had a date
for movies and a prom. We had no interests in common. She was just as lost as I
was.
.png "Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs")
If you don't have the
Sexual Intimacy part, you can kiss off Love, Belonging, Esteem, and
Self-Actualization.
If you don't have the Physiological Sex part, you're not going to get Sexual
Intimacy.
You're going to be a non-person
MIT was a disaster for me - a nerd continually in a deep depression with no purpose,
joy, or hopes for a future.
Nerd Identity as a Gatekeeper in Science. And Technology
Participation
Turkle (1984) vividly describes nerd self-identity in her
ethnographic study of undergraduate men at MIT. In a social event, "they
flaunt their pimples, their pasty complexions, their knobby knees, their thin,
underdeveloped bodies.” In interviews, they describe themselves as
losers. And loners who have given up bodily pleasure and sexual relations.
Student mental health
is in crisis (As it was, too, in 1958)
(Editorial in the MIT
The Tech 10/10/2019)
"There is a growing mental health crisis among graduate students, both at
MIT and around the country. Thirty-nine percent of graduate students suffer
from depression, and 41 percent suffer from anxiety. The cloud of mental health
issues hangs heavy over the entire MIT community. Far too often, we hear of a
community member who has tragically died by suicide. Each suicide reminds us
that depression and isolation are not unusual at MIT and have become a
pervasive norm."
Mom and Dad stifled my future and contributed to my agony
by being prissy prudes. Kids need to learn
about sex and relationships to avoid the misery I endured. My parents should
have encouraged me to become a fulfilled human being with knowledge, privacy,
and freedom to develop sexually and socially. I needed the words used by other
kids to fit into society and ask informative questions.
I needed to know
about "the Birds and Bees" well before 3rd grade (age 8).
It was cruel and senseless that I was old enough to have
a paper route and handle money in 3rd grade but not considered mature enough to
know about sex. Withholding knowledge, teaching, and nurturing of a child's
sexuality is child abuse. Human being abuse. It is a cruel crime against the
child and society—the development of a Nerd.
Before entering junior high school (age
11), I needed to understand how human beings mate. I also needed to know
what girls were about. The girls I interacted with in High School were a
complete mystery. I did not know how to talk to them. Learning about love by third grade would be right.
Not knowing by Junior High School was devastating.
I should not have been sent to MIT as a socially
immature kid and unprepared for life. Immature kids do not belong in college.
Unless your son is already sleeping with his girlfriend, please do not send
him to MIT.
When I was not
thriving and unhappy in college, my parents and grandparents should have pulled
the plug and encouraged me to go elsewhere. If a kid
has not developed a relationship by college, something is very wrong and needs
intervention. After a depressing first year, I should not have been left just
working at the kiddy park. I was barely functioning in deep depression. I
should have taken over my life sooner and joined organizations and activities
that promote maturing. There were plenty of opportunities. I could have
continued in scouts. I could have joined youth activities with my church and
schools. MIT had social clubs (most notably the Outing Club). I should have
taken an apartment where other young people lived rather than renting a house.
Being too busy with school and work was an inadequate excuse. Being in deep
depression closed my eyes to the needed self-awareness. Depression is a slower way of
being dead - lonely - and miserable.
My few girlfriends never grew into anything meaningful—no intimacy, not
even mutual interest. Meanwhile, my friends and coworkers
built relationships, married, and started families, leaving me behind in
a world of isolation. The loneliness was crushing.
I was utterly miserable. I wouldn’t wish this kind
of life on anyone—it’s a cruelty beyond
words. The soul-destroying loneliness.
It took another 13 years of misery to snap out of it.
Enjoying life, love, sex, kids, grandkids, and life's satisfaction.
MIT - My Grief
One of my cousins,
the son of my mother's brother, hung himself in his dorm at MIT. He was 20
years younger, but he was raised in the same family and manner as I was. I only
knew him as a cute little boy who liked to sail. I had the opportunity to
confide my reservations about MIT when my uncle visited me
senior year. Instead, I made light of my troubles and presented an optimistic,
cheerful facade. Years later, when I learned his son
was going to MIT, I told Betsy the kid would have trouble. When I learned from
another relative that my cousin had a bad 1st year and was still going back, I
knew he had the same horrible experience. But I did nothing to stop the
tragedy. My grief is knowing I could have helped, but
did not. His life was snuffed out before it really started.
5/13/2025
11:07 AM