My Depression
Key Insights
From Junior High until well past Grad School, I suffered
from depression. I lacked the energy
and self-worth of others my age. Winston Churchill's "Black Dog." I
spent many hours just sitting and doing nothing for years. It was hard for me
to get up the gumption to do anything new or worthwhile. Things that should have
excited me did not.
"Depression
is a slower way of being dead." ß TED Talk
."The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality."
1.
Withdrawing
from family and friends
2.
Losing
interest in social and extracurricular activities
3.
Displaying
a lack of energy
4.
Feeling
tired most of the time
5.
Anxiety
6.
Irritability
7.
Anger
8.
Feelings
of sadness for much of the time
9.
Significant
weight fluctuations
10.Sleep pattern changes
11.Physical pains and aches, or sickness, even
though there is nothing physically wrong
12.Indifference about the future
13.Uncharacteristic pessimism
14.Guilty feelings
15.Lowering self-esteem
16.Suicidal thoughts
In the 40s, 50s, 60s, depression was not discussed or
treated. I did not know what was wrong with me and never considered seeking
help or treatment. Depression has many causes and facets. Neither Churchill nor
I had any way to cope except to muddle through.
Today, I am convinced that my depression was caused by
being raised and living as
a nerd with no partner. I just did not fit in with our couple-centric society. All my friends, acquaintances, and workmates were in a
relationship or married.
My friends were getting married and getting on with their lives. I
wasn’t. I went all through High School, College, Army, Grad School, and
years of work (21 years, a quarter of my life in misery) with no close
companionship or sex. A significant source of my depression. My life was filled
with relationship dysfunction as a shy, introverted nerd.
I was painfully aware that most human beings had sex and
a partner by a reasonable age and fit into society with other couples.
Most of my friends, neighbors, and coworkers were married. I did not fit in
anywhere.
My few girlfriends never got close enough for intimacy
or even mutual interest. My friends and coworkers developed relationships,
marriages, and families from high school on. I was left out and suffered from
extreme loneliness.
I was miserable! I would not wish this sort of life on
any human being. It is horrible cruelty.
“the single most overwhelming difficulty they report is the
“soul-destroying loneliness,”
I thank the gods of providence that I met Betsy and,
years later, proposed.
Everything excellent and satisfying in my life occurred after that happy
event.
12/14/2024 4:09 PM